kept the flowers

review of american idol top 11 in 5 words or less

I value brevity, and if it weren’t so amazingly atrocious, this American Idol season wouldn’t even deserve a mention.

But I remain shocked at the absolute deficit of talent slopping across the stage this season. So, here’s a quick breakdown of tonight’s painful performances:

Casey: insanely creepy; please stop.

Thia: to quote Simon, forgettable.

Jacob: adorable; uncontrollable gospel voice.

Lauren: good name, mediocre country singer.

Stefano: actually talented, thank god.

Haley: surprisingly not terrible tonight.

Scotty: will be famous country singer.

Pia: only one worthy of winning.

Paul: looks like Always Sunny’s Charlie.

Naima: ridiculous dancing and bell bottoms.

James: wannabe Adam Lambert; shoot me.

Despite the obvious lack of singing ability, the judges managed to fall all over themselves no matter how ear-piercingly terrible the performance was. “Pitchy” doesn’t even begin to cover it.

Le sigh. Simon Cowell’s departure from Idol truly was its demise. When does So You Think You Can Dance start again?

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