kept the flowers

Dying inside to live

on 06/14/2012

Lately I feel like I’m screaming inside. Screaming to LIVE. To be adventurous, crazy, carefree…to live.Girl jumping on beach

To not sit in an office and feel my soul slowly wither away. I feel like I’m trapped in this life where we work in dark offices all day instead of actually enjoying life. I go outside into the sun at lunch and just crave the chance to stay out there all day or work in a garden or take a trip. To do anything but sit at a keyboard until I want to stab my eyes out.

There has to be another way…doesn’t there? Is this just the curse of working in America? I’ve heard that many construction workers are highly satisfied with their careers, as they get to be physical and in the open air all day. I find myself wondering if I could make the same salary being a professional landscaper (as I lack the skills for construction). I think if I could be a firefighter, I would. Or maybe open up a restaurant in Santa Fe.

I’m not sure if the depression just brings out these restless and unsatisfied thoughts…but I feel like they’ve always been there. I can’t be the only one thinking like this—there have to be others dying to live as well.

Maybe all I can do (until we win the lottery) is amp up what I do in my free time. That’s really hard when you work and have to take care of life, but I suppose it’s the only option I have right now.

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